jesuskirkandvinny:

Our Oscars Disaster.

The night went quickly from bad to worse…to blows.  First, not even two minutes into the thing, Doogie Howser starts singing about prison rape.  Nice.

Then our satellite craps out.  One minute we’re laughing at Steve and Alec, the next minute…blue screen of death.  Really?  Direct TV?  On Oscar Night?  You guys suck!  We reset the thing like ten times but nothing.  In fact, we still don’t have service.

We were all pissed but Kirk took it really hard…he’s a huge Christopher Plummer fan and he felt for sure that, “this is Plummer’s year!”

Around one in the morning Jesus and I heard something and that’s when we found Kirk.

Sometimes the only way to help someone is to kick them and make sure they are not dead.  And that’s exactly what I did.

Editors’ pick…nice!

jesuskirkandvinny:

New York City.

We’re in a place called Brooklyn, which is kind of like New York—except that instead of tall buildings and Wall Street douches, it’s full of guys wearing odd-looking hats and  facial hair (hipsters, Hasidic Jews…take your pick) and all the women are pushing around babies.  Jesus and I fit right in but Kirk stuck out like a sore thumb.  Luckily, he had a “ghetto pass”, his sister had a baby—so nobody hassled us.

Jesus said that every time he comes to New York, he always feels kind of sad and he never really knows why.  “I know it’s stupid,” Jesus said as he stared at Manhattan, “but I can’ help but think of all the people living lives way better than mine.”

Ouch.  Like I’ve said a dozen times, no one can punch you in the gut like old Jesus.

We looked at the buildings a little bit longer.  And I started to feel like crap.  Thanks Jesus.

Finally Kirk said, “I don’t know.  I can’t think of any place I’d rather be than with you guys, right here, right now.”  Sure it was gay and sappy and corny and all that and more.  But damn if I didn’t see Jesus crack a smile.

Just when we needed it the most—Kirk to the rescue!

this kills me!

jesuskirkandvinny:

The Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.  Jesus is Shaq.  I’m Conan.

Now I don’t want to get into the whole Leno-Conan slap-fest, but suffice it to say that Jesus and I have been Conan fans for years.  We are so down with Coco!

Tonight, Conan was getting nostalgic about some classic moments he’s had over the last seven months.  This is when he and Shaq had a dance off. I have no idea exactly what Shaq is doing but both he and Conan fell in sync like some kind of  two-man push-me-pull-you.  It was both weird and wonderful.

Kirk never came out of his bedroom.  He’s a Leno fan through and through.  He still thinks “Iron Jay” was the funniest thing ever created.  Yup, that’s his comedy bar: “Iron Fucking Jay.”  Kirk likes his comedy like he likes his women…not very smart and with a big chin.  Bam!  I’d like to take credit for that but that’s all Jesus.

Jesus’ Ham Streak hits 17 straight days!

jesuskirkandvinny:

Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.

Goodbye 200fucking9!

So Jesus has been bummed out all week.  I get it: Christmas time is not Jesus time!

For anyone, having your birthday on Christmas sucks.  But for Jesus, his birthday IS Christmas (and he never lets us forget it!).  And then to top it all off, his birthday is the basis for the whole Western Calendar.  So every time Jesus looks at any date, like on a newspaper or receipt, it’s an immediate reminder of how old he is.  That’s got to be tough.  But at the same time, he’s been going through this for a couple of thousand years.  How much advance warning do you need?

We thought Dick Clark would cheer him up but the poor guy is still recovering from his stroke and nothing makes you feel old and in the shitter like watching a guy with multiple face lifts slur his way around a countdown.  I mean the guy went front “13” to “10”!

Then they switched to Seacrest.  Everybody gives old Ryan a tough time but I like him.  He’s just funny enough to make you smile and it’s a good bet he’ll say at least two stupid things an hour and then crack on himself for it.  I love it when he tries to out bitch Juliana on E! news.

Fergie was hosting from Las Vegas.  I don’t know what it is but her face is weird.  Really weird.  Something is not right about it but I can’t figure out what.  Even Jesus agrees that she has a rockin bod but her face “has serious issues.”  Some scientists from NIH should do some lab work on her and figure out what the hell is going on there.  Kirk says that her real name is Edward Estevez and that she’s Emilio’s long lost retarded brother who just happens to be a great dancer.  And looking at her then, I really couldn’t argue one bit.

Then the horror show continued as Dick Clark and some chick that may or may not have been his wife (I said nurse. Jesus said older cousin.) made out geriatric style.  It was like watching two paramecium mate!  That really depressed Jesus.

jesuskirkandvinny:

Launch My Line.

I think Jesus was taking a leak at the time.  It’s funny but for a guy who only wears a robe, you’d think he’d be in and out of the bathroom a lot faster.

Anyway, that’s Roberto.  He’s from Ecuador but then moved to Paris.  He is such a bitch!   Patrick Mcdonald is our favorite.  He’s known as “The Dandy”.  He’s like a gayer version of Boy George, if you can believe that.  We don’t think he’ll win.  Waaaay too much queeny attitude.

While Jesus was in the bathroom doing God knows what, Kirk told me that if he had to do it all over again, he be a fashion designer.  “It’s like the one passion I have, other than saving the universe.”  That was so like Kirk.  Just when you feel like he’s really opening up to you, he says something douchy like saving the universe is a passion of his!  But I couldn’t really argue with his fashion sense—not many people can rock a sash the way he does.

jesuskirkandvinny:

Pineapple Express.  Jesus is Gary Cole.  Kirk is Seth Rogen.

This is probably one of Jesus’ favorite movies.  Every time he cleans the windows (usually Tuesdays), he pulls the Windex trigger and says, “They picked on the wrong melon farmers.”  Then he sprays the window and in a high-pitched voice says, “Thug life.”

jesuskirkandvinny:

One: cut a hole in a box.

Two: put your junk in that box.

Three: make her open the box!