jesuskirkandvinny:

Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin Eve.

Goodbye 200fucking9!

So Jesus has been bummed out all week.  I get it: Christmas time is not Jesus time!

For anyone, having your birthday on Christmas sucks.  But for Jesus, his birthday IS Christmas (and he never lets us forget it!).  And then to top it all off, his birthday is the basis for the whole Western Calendar.  So every time Jesus looks at any date, like on a newspaper or receipt, it’s an immediate reminder of how old he is.  That’s got to be tough.  But at the same time, he’s been going through this for a couple of thousand years.  How much advance warning do you need?

We thought Dick Clark would cheer him up but the poor guy is still recovering from his stroke and nothing makes you feel old and in the shitter like watching a guy with multiple face lifts slur his way around a countdown.  I mean the guy went front “13” to “10”!

Then they switched to Seacrest.  Everybody gives old Ryan a tough time but I like him.  He’s just funny enough to make you smile and it’s a good bet he’ll say at least two stupid things an hour and then crack on himself for it.  I love it when he tries to out bitch Juliana on E! news.

Fergie was hosting from Las Vegas.  I don’t know what it is but her face is weird.  Really weird.  Something is not right about it but I can’t figure out what.  Even Jesus agrees that she has a rockin bod but her face “has serious issues.”  Some scientists from NIH should do some lab work on her and figure out what the hell is going on there.  Kirk says that her real name is Edward Estevez and that she’s Emilio’s long lost retarded brother who just happens to be a great dancer.  And looking at her then, I really couldn’t argue one bit.

Then the horror show continued as Dick Clark and some chick that may or may not have been his wife (I said nurse. Jesus said older cousin.) made out geriatric style.  It was like watching two paramecium mate!  That really depressed Jesus.